Baggage

Spring Break.... Finally. I can let my hair down. Be in pj's til noon. Savor a cup of coffee. No makeup. Snuggle up with my Hunger Games books. Stay up late watching movies. Try new recipes. The list goes on. But all these incredibly freeing things create an escape from the things that my soul has been wrestling with.....

So the wind is blowing in a new storm this morning. The dog is lazily barking at a bird. Nathan is in and out of the house role-playing something from Star Wars. My coffee is getting cold. But my Bible is open...my heart searching....for what?

I dropped the blogging for a few months because instead of journaling my thoughts, I turned inward. That's new for me because I usually journal, share and blab about what I'm processing. But lately, my thoughts have been so scrambled, I decided to keep it all stuffed in. It's kinda like being on a long trip with one suitcase to live out of. At first, I throw things in and out of the bag because it's just more convenient. Then things get all jumbled up and you can't find items. So I usually end up reorganizing my luggage so I can better see where I put that extra pair of socks. This....is how I've been feeling with my life.....it's time to reorganize.....my thoughts.

Since late Fall of last year, Jay and I were in the midst of struggling where our home church/community would be. I had been feeling the tug in my heart to move on. The past year was difficult with decisions and conflicts in ministry. I suppose all who serve and minister go through times of inadequacy and doubt, but mine was more than that. It was about relationships....expectations... people.... conflicts. And when you pack it all up, you get....baggage. I have baggage. But don't we all? Mine was heavy. Perhaps this is what the Bible meant with Paul who constantly had " a thorn" in his side. I knew in my heart, it was time to move on.

While praying for an answer and standing at "the fork of the road", the Lord presented a new avenue. A church plant. This was a new road that was unforeseen....but a familiar one since I grew up with parents that church planted. We prayed if this was an answer or just an escape. To fast forward a little, we decided we would head down the road of a church plant here in Fullerton. The affirmations were ridiculous: mom admitting that she had been praying for a church plant closer to our home for our generation for the last 2 years, my dad had church planted at the exact age I am now (don't ask!) ....etc...

So fast forward a little more......a building is purchased....decisions are made...and the next question was: what would be our role in this mission? A plethora of emotions flooded my mind when presented this question. Baggage. Yup....I brought my baggage with me. You know, the one where I packed my doubts wrapped in insecurity, my frustrations and flashbacks of unspoken expectations all packed in separate compartments, travel sized memories of conflicts and confusion, and anger/pride all carefully rolled up so it wouldn't wrinkle. I've never been good at packing....

Grace. I'm learning about grace. Not cheap grace where things are justified through man. Real grace where there is no room for shame. The kind where the Lord seeks my heart not because it's righteous or perfect, but because it's the least likely place for Him to dwell. The whole thing on His grace being sufficient for me in my weaknesses is so difficult for my heart to embrace. Why would He want to use me? Has He not seen what is in my luggage? In the Bible, I read that the Lord sought out Paul, the least likely person to ever one day serve Him. He persecuted the Lord. I remember the way Nathan told/preached this story at age 3. In his little preschool voice, he explained that Paul was on his way to Damascus to persecute more of His followers and a bright light blinded him. Then a voice called out "Paul, Paul!" When Paul asked who it was, the Lord answered, "It's me, the Lord...the one that you don't like..."  It is incredibly humbling to realize that yes, He has seen what I packed and despite it all, He still wants to take me on His journey. He still wants me.

I spoke with Pastor Joe, the one who would be pastoring this new church plant. I opened my baggage up to show him....Would he still want me and my baggage while serving? He did nothing except inspect it with grace. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. "...let us lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder ad perfecter of our faith...."-Heb. 12:1-2

I know this road won't be perfect. I will mess up again and hide in my shame again. But I will strive to not let it disfigure who I am in Him. I will strive to remember that He bore my shame on the cross and I have every right to live freely under His grace.

It's like when we pack for a real vacation, and I always ask Nathan: Did you remember to pack your underwear? (don't know why this is always forgotten!), the Lord has been asking me: Did you remember to pack My grace?

"O holy night...the stars are brightly shining...."

"O holy night...." It's my favorite Christmas song. I learned to play it on the piano when I was about 11 years old. I can't sing it well but I love the lyrics and melody since I was a kid. Whenever I hear it, I'm back in that little living room back in New Jersey on my piano that faces a wall with the strangest wallpaper. It was beige but it was sparkly....like it had glitter on it or something...  It's always this time of year that evokes a potpourri of emotions....


I don't know where to begin. It seems like every day passes with a trillion things to do and by the time the evening comes, I'm a little bewildered about how I got there. I think in my mind, Halloween has just ended and it's almost Thanksgiving....and then I look around me and see the gifts hugging our twinkling tree, the roaring fire in the fireplace and I suddenly feel bittersweet that it's actually closer to Christmas than it is to Thanksgiving. And then the panic sets in.....you know...that long list of to-do's during the holidays. So I took a personal day off ...to catch my breath....to enter that sanctuary with the Lord again....I am convicted and sad over the fact that the doors to this sanctuary need some "oiling"....


I hadn't realized how much I had unraveled so to speak until I found myself in a deep conversation with the husband and noticed how frustrated I was. I had not been at my Lord's feet in awhile and I know I need Him like fish need water. It's disappointing that I let myself get so far on my own before realizing that I've been running on empty. So in practical terms, the usual things that would just frustrate me and I'd shrug off, have been unusually devastating to my nerves. Then they would get worse as I let it accelerate to anger. Am I alone in this? Does the Lord want anything to do with my panicky nerves and tantrums? Today I learned.... that yes...yes, He still loves me... and wants me regardless of how I manage to screw up as His child.


Why do I get so caught up in the holiday glitz? I've been probing at myself the last couple of days. Is it because I fear someone will be left out in getting a gift? Or, what will people think if I didn't have a gift for them? Or, what if it's not good enough? Ok...I mean, what if I'm seen as not good enough? There you go....core fears....


The story that comes to mind is Mary and Martha. Remember that story? It's the one where Mary is sitting at Jesus's feet while Martha is running around getting things ready for Him. Then she notices Mary sitting there and gets upset that she's not helping out. As you can tell, I'm Martha....so very Martha. I want to be Mary, of course....but in reality, I know I will never be Mary because she's probably Type B whereas Martha is probably Type A. I'm definitely Type A. But I strive to be Mary because I imagine her to be the calm one, the relaxed, under control woman. But instead, I'm Martha....the worried, upset, distracted one, and maybe even a little envious of Mary. Knowing this about myself makes me even more upset. It's like a crazy cycle..... Oh how I need His mercies....every day!


And when it comes down to it, I bet Martha was afraid of what her Lord would think if He showed up and there wasn't a home cooked meal prepared....or what if the linens weren't washed for His stay? Or worse, what if she couldn't find matching plates and silverware....well, you get the idea. I get you, Martha... we let others' perceptions of us define how we perceive ourselves. And we try not to let it get to us as a coping mechanism, but at the end of the day, the Enemy succeeds at planting our worst thoughts into our minds. Oh if Martha were here today, we'd be venting over a glass of wine....


So as I slowed down today ...long enough to read some devos online and chat with my Lord over my burnt toast and coffee and I was reminded of how He is constantly there for me. Now I don't usually like the Word in Message form but when I read this, it spoke to my soul:


“Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.” (Romans 12:6 MSG) 


My mouth dropped open when I read that. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Good thing I read this version of it though because here's the NIV version: 


"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith....... Rom. 12:6-8


See? Not quite the same. So I sat His feet today and told Him just that.....this is "me".... and I know He loves me for who I am because He chose to make me this way. So guess what, world? Love it or leave it! 

Dear Daddy....

Dear Daddy,

         Let's see if I can get through these thoughts to you without tears...... OK, wishful thinking but if I don't somehow jot my thoughts somewhere, I won't feel like I can completely "download" my thoughts with life whirling around me these days. 

       Remember when I was a little girl and I begged to ride on the merry-go-round? You would strap me on my favorite colored horse and stand by me, holding me despite the leather reins around me. Then the carousel would start going around and around and I would fling my head back to feel the whirling wind toss my hair around. I never felt anxious or slipped from my seat despite the way the carousel twirled us around. This week felt like one long scary ride on a crazy carousel of emotions and self-doubt. Why is it so easy to hear the negative voices but never the the positive ones? I can't even count on my fingers how many times I called out to you ....And every time I sighed your name, your voice directed me to the Lord's feet. 

        Somehow when life throws negative things at me, I've been finding it hard to focus on the positives in my life. Perhaps the Lord is testing me in this area. Do I rely on Him for "everything"? This week was such a complex week. So many incidents led to such complicated thoughts and unfortunately, it began to distort my own vision of myself. Self doubt and inadequacy crept in without warning. And I'm writing to you dad, because you always knew the right things to say, and had the most comforting hugs that would erase all of these "things" and remind me of how loved I am....just as I am....all of me. Gosh, I miss you. It's moments like this that still bring tears and searing pangs of heartache and loneliness. 

        So it's hard, daddy, when I'm in these kinds of "ruts" and you're not in your office, at your desk, dropping your pencil in your Bible, ready to listen to me. But this is the Lord's will for us. What is His lesson for me here? To seek Him for that reassurance of who I am as His daughter. My identity is in Him, not the world's. You taught me that. He is able to provide the softening of hearts and the healing of wounded feelings. We learned that lesson together long ago. I'll keep my chin up in hopes that He will heal my soul from the inside out. I am comforted in knowing that even before I utter a word, He knows it already....I love knowing that no matter how deep the negativity takes me, He is there to catch and guide me. "Even if I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, You are there..."-Ps. 139

         It's been so long since I rode the carousel with you. I have to believe that despite your physical absence, His reins will hold me and keep me secure. Thank you for reminding me where to fix my gaze upon....to focus on His thoughts of me. And thank you for listening, daddy. No tea or goodies to share like we used to....but I am comforted in knowing you are in my heart dwelling with my Heavenly Father. I love you, daddy.... 

Always,

Jenny

  

Let's Eat...@ the O.C. Fair!

Yes....every year..... the O.C. Fair........when we eat to our heart's desires and then I return to a month of working out and eating light while the husband rides his bike for like, one day and loses all the weight from eating such yummy treats at the annual Fair.....*sigh.....

This was our first year taking the BUS
to the fair! Such a great deal!
Pay $1.50 each way, get $2 admission to the
fair, get dropped off at the gate...
and spend the rest of your
 money on FOOD!!!!

I know you're thinking....um, where are the pictures of the food you ate? Honestly, fair food is.....ugly and messy.... but yummy. How are you supposed to take pictures if your fingers are preoccupied with fried oil dripping down from your zucchini curls? Don't worry....we had plenty. On our menu was: deep fried oreos, donut  sandwiches, BBQ corn, the zucchini curls, deep fried koolaid (ick!), maple bacon donuts and frozen bananas! I think we pretty much had one of everything at the table. That's the beauty of going to the fair with lots of friends. You get to try everything!

So did you go to the fair yet? What are you going to eat? Or, what did you eat?

On a random note....... my Nathan received a new little pocket sized Bible from one the stands at the fair. While us adults were finishing up our food, guess what he was doing? Reading Psalm 139 to his little buddy. Sometimes I wonder what or who the Lord has us raising...... Yesterday morning, Nate shared with me how he's been praying in the morning in bed before getting up. This was a suggestion he took to heart after guiltily admitting that instead of praying at night, he would fall asleep from exhaustion. I asked what he's been praying for and he responded with such a genuine answer that melted my heart and convicted me all at the same time: "I've been praying that I would focus on God more....you know...not get too carried away with stuff I want." Oh Lord.... this is a prayer I need to pray more often myself.

Alright...enough blabbing for now. Can you believe it's almost the end of July and I have already cracked open my lesson plan book? Ideas are piling up again.... new projects are being made for the new school year.... getting that inspiration again..... Don't worry, I haven't hung up my swimsuit yet. In fact, I'm actually blogging in my bikini! HA!

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly...

We took a fun trip down to San Diego with our dear friends, the Lo family. This was last weekend not the one that just passed us. The weather was gorgeous for a day by the shore....shopping, picking strawberries, kite flying and eating.... But like with all things that are good, life has interesting ways of throwing some lessons in there....or should I say, the Lord has unique ways of throwing some life lessons in there....

Seaport Village

Taking a break....& waiting for our table

Buddies...

The GOOD: 

*strawberry picking in Carlsbad

*tasting the strawberries while picking them

*walking around Seaport Village

*kite shopping

*flying the kite in the sea breeze

*getting henna tattoos!

*finding some TOMS shoes for Nate

*walking around old towne

*dinner at Casa de Reyes

The BAD & the UGLY:

*accidentally leaving the newly bought kite behind & losing it

*walking back to the car trying to console an 8 year old that is quietly sobbing from the loss of the kite

Ok, so the GOOD definitely outweighed the BAD & the UGLY. But that's why I decided to blog this memorable day. I wanted to show my Nathan another way of how we should not focus on the "bad parts" of our day....or even in life. Upon realizing that his kite was gone for good, he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face into my waist to hide his tears from our friends. (Apparently crying in public is not an acceptable thing for 8 years olds.) Good thing we parked quite a ways from Seaport Village. It gave me some time to chat with him on how it's okay to feel disappointed and heart broken when we lose things, especially things that are newly bought. Then I thought it was a good time to bring up the value of earthly things vs. eternal things. We talked about the temporality of worldly possessions. I'm not sure if he was open to accepting that eternal things like our faith in God, our salvation in Him was more important ...especially during such a difficult moment in his 8 year old eyes. So in reality, some comfort was given when daddy said they would look for another kite some other day. So the lesson was a tough one...but a necessary one I think. We learned not to hold onto earthly things too tightly and to not let bad things ruin our entire day. After driving off, we ended up at Old Towne for some grub at the old Casa de Reyes. Good food, fun music, shopping and great company was very healing. We drove home with our bellies full of chips and salsa, our trunk holding a bucket of strawberries, and our hearts content. 

"In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

-- Prov. 3:6

Looking back & looking ahead...

As you all know, I teach third grade at a school where the classrooms are structured in pods. I always get the usual confused look when I try to explain what a "pod" is. So I took some pictures of my classroom back in May during our Open House. It might explain what an open pod classroom is or it might just confuse you more.

My classroom is one of the inspiration pieces in my life. My home is my first blank canvas but next would be my classroom. I figure it's practically my second home so I should make it a place where I feel at home. So here's my second home:

Puffins drawn by the kids: Part of the fun in teaching is
connecting our literature to art and science. Here we did
an observational drawing of a puffin, learned about their
body parts and read a story about their habitats in Iceland.

On the other side of this wall is another classroom. Yup... we
can hear each other's kids. Distracting? Sometimes, but for
the most part, you get used to it.

Our classroom entrance area: the kids hang their
jackets here. This was tricky this past year with
21 boys and only 9 girls. 

BUSY night!

I came home, changed, munched on junk food & read Nathan's
journals from his Open House since I didn't get to go to his
while I was hosting mine. 

So....there you have it.... my second home..... one of my passions in life..... in a nutshell....

*Sigh....so glad it's summer....

"Of Thee I Sing...."

Ok...so I took a longer break from blogging than I thought. School's been out for almost 3 weeks and it's been one fun day after another. I am blessed that as a teacher, I get to spend my summers with my boy who is growing up way too fast.

Yesterday was already the fourth of July. I had fun taking my time prepping to host our marriage fellowship for a BBQ. So here are some photos of the crazy fun I had hosting this "event":

I envisioned a banner going above the buffet table for all the
yummy BBQ dishes. I used scrapbook paper, leftover denim from
cutting my jeans into shorts, burlap and ribbon scraps. 

Started the morning with a strong cup of coffee from
Urth Caffe. This has become my new favorite
coffee....especially when it's made with
this french press gifted by my cousin. 

What's a BBQ without some happy sunflowers to
grace the table? I know...my decoration visions
may seem silly to some people... 

The finished buffet table sans food. See those
seat pillows? I made them with old placemats I
didn't want anymore. So easy! Just sew 2 placemats
together and stuff 'em! Then hand sew them shut.
Oh and to hide the crooked sewn lines? Glue ribbon
over them with some E-6000 glue. Shhh...I won't
tell if you won't.

So just to add more purpose to my banner,
I stamped some fun patriotic words using
my letter stamps (from my classroom).

This was my favorite project. I spruced up my 
dining room chandelier with: a headband
scarf, a starfish, burlap, leftover fabric
scraps from the 80's & a homemade tag.
Loved it so much that I stamped a "happy summer"
tag so I can keep it up for awhile.

Yes... even Olive joined in the festivities...

Jello poke cupcakes: just white cake mix,
poked holes for jello syrup & covered with
a whipped cream frosting.

Messy but fun!

Ta-da! Um...sorry for the sideways picture.
I can't figure out how to rotate it on
blogger....But they sure were yummy!
Mixing the cool whip with some vanilla
 pudding mix made for a light creamy touch!
Add red, white and blue sprinkles for a
festive touch. Add blueberries...for um...
its healthy antioxidants. 

How we kept the kids busy while the
food was being grilled.

Swimming buds

Splish, Splash!

Buffet table: tablecloth found at Big Lots,
vase from Goodwill was filled with cheese
puffs, a subway print was found online,
and flowers were cut from the front yard.

I spy a gnome....

The grub: mexican style corn, grilled meats
of all kinds, asian slaw, "crack" sushi (cuz
it's addicting!), and somen salad. 

Giving thanks...

Brotherly love: So this happens quite
frequently where these two wear the same
exact thing and sit the same way. 

We finally found rocket popsicles (at Target).

A memorable Fourth Of July!

I am so blessed to be surrounded by family and friends to love and have in my life. I may have my moments of griping about life, but it's humbling to sit back and look at things from heaven's viewpoint. I've been saying more often these days:" This too shall pass........be present."