The Fear Dance

Oh it's been quite a month. I took a break from blogging because I had so much to process and think about. I'm still in the process of learning different things. But I feel like I need to download some of my thoughts before I overload in my heart. Though some lessons taught have been painful and dreary, I've learned that it is sometimes necessary to go through these "valleys" in order to learn more about my Heavenly Father's heart.

In the marriage group that Jay and I are a part of, we are going through a book written by Gary Smalley, DNA Relationships. One of the chapters brought up an important thing I'm learning about in marriage.... The Fear Dance. I learned that I have many fears. I also learned that my reactions to these fears often trigger Jay's core fears....and vice versa. I know we all have different core fears, such as the fear of being unloved or rejected. But it was eye opening to realize that Jay and I sometimes engage in a toxic dance of triggering each other's fears when we get into conflict.

In my personal devos, I am learning about the idols we worship in our everyday lives. The word, "idol" almost sounds so "old testament".... until I dug deeper to learn how I have "gods" in my life that I have a hard time giving up. I think the hardest kinds of gods to give up are the "people gods". I place expectations on people and of course when they fall short, I am disappointed and so is the other person. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person feeling this way...or am I?

In ministry, new core fears develop. The fear of inadequacy and incompetence. I struggle with these fears when serving Him. But what lies! I constantly hear the deceptions that I'm not who I think I am as a leader, a teacher, a mom, a friend, sister, daughter and wife....I constantly play out scenarios that simply aren't true! Sometimes, the scenarios become truth. And as they seep into my daily life, I withdraw and feel abandoned by the Lord at times. Isn't that exactly what the deceiver wants us to feel and think!

I am seeking His healing presence daily. It is freeing to know that I only have to please Him and not the people around me. It is humbling to try to be single-mindedly focused on Him and not be double-minded like it says in James 4:8. How do I... or we, stay out of this miserable tie to pleasing the world rather than Him? Isn't His grace and mercy enough for me?

His Words hold the truth, I know. But I've let the lies lead me away from enjoying His presence. This has done nothing but make me an emotional mess this past few months. But hey, aren't we all a work in progress? So, I'm working on it and He's been working on me. Good times.