The "C" Word

I knew when the principal called us all in for a "short" staff meeting that it wasn't going to be something good. I just...felt it in the air. So when the news that one of our staff members was just diagnosed with colon cancer was shared, I barely flinched. But surprisingly, my body began to ache...and the room began closing in on me. We were told to "think good thoughts" for her. Every inch of me wanted to stand up and lead our staff in prayer. But I felt so physically ill, I held onto my chair to catch my breath. When people got up to leave after the meeting, I continued sitting there until I could feel my legs again.

Why the dramatic feelings? My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer too. He is the reason why I will be making my first colonoscopy appointment at the tender age of 45. He battled this cancer bravely for about 5 years and then went to be with the Lord in 2006. It was probably the second biggest trauma in my life besides being in an almost fatal car accident in college. All those memories of anxiously awaiting test results from scans after scans and blood tests after blood tests sent my heart and mind racing and clinging to the Lord for dear life. I still remember holding onto my cell phone wherever I went as I awaited doctors and nurses to call me back. The worst time was when I was therapy shopping at Nordstrom Rack  and received a call from hospice care regarding a schedule of when my dad would need his meds. The nurse kept reminding me that a schedule was important to maintain pain-free days for dad during his last days. There I was standing in the line with a pile of clothes I didn't need, a whiny toddler and trying to wedge a phone between my ear and shoulder. If there was ever a time I wished the ground would open and swallow me up, it was that moment. If I remember correctly, I told the nurse I would call back, then I handed the clothes to a confused worker and carried a now screaming toddler to the car with tears blinding my eyes.

Cancer is cancer. It is a thief and robber of life's joys. Being a witness to someone you love struggling with it is heart wrenching. I learned a lot about suffering those five years. It wasn't like I sat there in tears for the entire time. Suffering comes in many forms. There were actually moments of much joy and celebration. In suffering, I learned what REAL joy was. I learned what REAL love and what REAL courage was. There was a lot of good in the midst of darkness. I held tightly to my moments with daddy. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I was scared a lot. And I was confused a lot. But it was in those scary moments that I learned to recognize the voice of my Shepherd. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want......."(Ps. 23)

My whole body took me on a crash course back to 5 years ago when I heard the news of my co-worker yesterday. I was saddened and immediately confused at why the Lord would allow this. But blogging right now is reminding me of His goodness in the midst of fear.....how His perfect love casts out fear. In our human limitations, we can be set free by His nearness and His glory.

I was in the library with my students when my co-worker came walking through to say goodbye. She was picking up some things before her upcoming surgery. Her face appeared tired and jaundiced. I wrapped my arms around her and told her I was praying for her. My words of encouragement didn't seem to do enough. I knew the rest would be up to our Lord. I'm not even sure if she is a believer, but something in me boldly proclaimed His promises. "Nothing is impossible with the Lord. I will pray the impossible for you. Healing will come in His time." It might have not meant a thing to her, or maybe it did. But it was a feeling that I knew was from my Father......my heavenly One and my earthly one. It's not like me to speak boldly like this....but I truly believe that in suffering, our souls are made stronger and bolder. I will not let the "C" word rob us of the joys the Lord gives us!

If you're reading this, will you whisper a quick prayer for my co-worker? Her name is Marla and she was my saving grace substitute when I was out on maternity leave years ago with my Nathan. Pray the impossible! I believe He specializes in these kinds of prayers.

Praying is important....but so is nurturing my poor body that's trying to settle down..... I'm off to an hour long yoga session in the living room.... deep breath in.....deep breath out....looking in.....and looking up.