Journeying Home

"Thank You, Lord, for this opportunity

to trust You..."

Beware, readers...I am in a contemplative mood. Today was a true test of trusting the Lord. After the excerpt above in my devos this morning (Nate was very proud of me for doing them so early.), I had no clue what the day would bring. I was making copies in the Copy Room when the secretary pulled me aside to let me know that Marla, my co-worker whom I've been praying for, was not doing well and was not expected to make it through today. I ran into the lounge to find a group of my girlfriends gathered in prayer. All tears aside, we found great support in each other, blew our noses, took a deep breath... and pepped ourselves up to return to our happy "teacher" faces...all in about 10 minutes.

As the day progressed, I found many of my co-workers distraught and teary-eyed. I began to think I was insensitive or something because after the initial tears of sadness from hearing the sudden news, I felt at peace. Deep down, I knew if Marla met the Lord today, all things would be well. There was such fear and panic in some of co-workers' eyes. The fear led to prayers in our teachers' lounge! It was amazing to see everyone in prayer regardless of how they viewed the Lord. My spirit was down but at peace. Can you have peace and be sad at the same time? I think so. 

Don't get me wrong...I think death can be frightening news....horrific. Even painful. But having seen my dad journey "home" to the Lord has opened my eyes to death in a whole different way. I'm not as afraid of it as I used to be. Death means being present with my Lord....and with daddy.

The peace I felt today was the same peace I felt the day daddy's journey home began. The morning was beautiful, cold and kinda chilly. I pulled on my new jeans that Jay had bought me for Christmas and some warm Uggs. Hospital rooms were always so cold. This was day 4 or 5 in the ICU at Placentia-Linda Hospital. The week was blurred into one day. I knew as I drove to the hospital again that this would be the last time. I don't know how I knew but I just knew. 

The evening before, daddy's heart began to fail. The nurses explained it like he was running a marathon and was out of breath. I watched the machines measure his every breath and when it would chime, I would hold my breath wondering what new numbers would show up as it measured his oxygen level and blood pressure. At the end of that day, I went home to take care of the family. Nathan had just turned 3 years old. He crept into my lap and I put my chin on top of his head. He looked up at me and I will never forget his words. They were spoken so clearly..." Mommy, do not be afraid." I never doubted the fact that an angel had spoken through him. It didn't even sound like something Nate would say. Those were angel words.

I spent the next day laying next to daddy on his bed. We had scary moments of trying to help him breath better but he refused the help. Like he knew he was "going home"... he waved his arms around to refuse the breathing tubes....his eyes said, "let me go home." As the afternoon went on, I remember vaguely making arrangements for Nate to be picked up from preschool...I think I ate lunch.....I greeted people as they came to say goodbye. It felt like I didn't blink. I floated...went through the motions. Painkillers were finally given to make dad comfortable. Up until now, he didn't feel any pain which was a miracle. Doctors attributed it to the amounts of ammonia in his body. I attributed it to the Lord. As the medication made its way through his IV, I hugged his head. I wanted to remember what every part of his face looked like. I memorized his eyes, the wrinkles on his forehead, the smell of his hair. I was only 28 years old. God willing, it would be a long time before I saw him again. I whispered constantly to him that day how grateful I was for him. I talked about childhood stories back in Jersey. I talked...I cried...and I think I saw the corners of his mouth turn into a smile at some point. But his eyes remained alert and teary-eyed. 

At some point in the late afternoon, the nurses pushed his bed out of ICU and into the maternity ward that they had recently closed down. They wanted us to have a quiet peaceful place to say goodbye. There was some chaos at first since his friends wouldn't leave his side either. I pushed my way through and the crowd eventually left the room. The words were said, the songs were sungs, the prayers were said. All was done. I held his hand and waited for my Lord to come and take him home. And we waited. The nurses said it would take another 24 hours before his heart would fully stop. Are they kidding?! We were ready! Daddy was ready. I was ready. We prayed desperately that he would be released of his sick body quickly and be in his new heavenly one. At one point, mom leaned over and told him to reserve our seats up there in heaven. I laughed at the thought. Did she think we were going to a concert? Perhaps. Those angels DO sing. 

At 5:30 p.m, the nurse listened to his pulse one last time and nodded that he was indeed gone. I was still holding his hand. It was still warm. I put my head down by his bedside and cried like a wounded animal. I was so, so sad...so relieved...so happy at the visions of him being free from this body...so at peace...and just so tired. For a second, I almost felt him above us....hovering.

I held his hand until it wasn't okay to hold his hand anymore. The warmth of his hand was gone and I knew he wasn't with us anymore. My sister had a hard time letting go. I remember someone pulling her away. It might have been me but everything felt surreal...as if I was watching from the outside. I walked to the doorway and turned one last time to look at dad. And the strangest thing came over me..... In my heart, I knew he wasn't here anymore. That was just the empty shell of my dad. He was alive....healed and made perfect. The peace was overwhelming. The sadness was gut wrenching. 

I see death in a whole new light. It's the beginning of a new journey. We will all go through it one day. But rest assured...the Lord brings comfort to his children. He delights in our trusting eyes. I didn't spend my day crying for Marla. I felt hopeful for her. She is getting ready to see our Lord. What a homecoming  she is about to experience! My prayers will be the same ones I prayed for daddy as he began his walk home. She was such a sweet friend. She loved my Nathan. They talked about Nascar since she was such a huge fan and Nate loved race cars. She showered me with compliments when she walked by which always made my day.

Marla....get ready! Your new home will be the best seat at the racetracks! May you dwell joyfully in our Lord's loving arms until we meet again! 

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.

My flesh and heart may fail me,

but God is my strength and portion forever.

Ps. 73:25-26