So the wind is blowing in a new storm this morning. The dog is lazily barking at a bird. Nathan is in and out of the house role-playing something from Star Wars. My coffee is getting cold. But my Bible is open...my heart searching....for what?
I dropped the blogging for a few months because instead of journaling my thoughts, I turned inward. That's new for me because I usually journal, share and blab about what I'm processing. But lately, my thoughts have been so scrambled, I decided to keep it all stuffed in. It's kinda like being on a long trip with one suitcase to live out of. At first, I throw things in and out of the bag because it's just more convenient. Then things get all jumbled up and you can't find items. So I usually end up reorganizing my luggage so I can better see where I put that extra pair of socks. This....is how I've been feeling with my life.....it's time to reorganize.....my thoughts.
Since late Fall of last year, Jay and I were in the midst of struggling where our home church/community would be. I had been feeling the tug in my heart to move on. The past year was difficult with decisions and conflicts in ministry. I suppose all who serve and minister go through times of inadequacy and doubt, but mine was more than that. It was about relationships....expectations... people.... conflicts. And when you pack it all up, you get....baggage. I have baggage. But don't we all? Mine was heavy. Perhaps this is what the Bible meant with Paul who constantly had " a thorn" in his side. I knew in my heart, it was time to move on.
While praying for an answer and standing at "the fork of the road", the Lord presented a new avenue. A church plant. This was a new road that was unforeseen....but a familiar one since I grew up with parents that church planted. We prayed if this was an answer or just an escape. To fast forward a little, we decided we would head down the road of a church plant here in Fullerton. The affirmations were ridiculous: mom admitting that she had been praying for a church plant closer to our home for our generation for the last 2 years, my dad had church planted at the exact age I am now (don't ask!) ....etc...
So fast forward a little more......a building is purchased....decisions are made...and the next question was: what would be our role in this mission? A plethora of emotions flooded my mind when presented this question. Baggage. Yup....I brought my baggage with me. You know, the one where I packed my doubts wrapped in insecurity, my frustrations and flashbacks of unspoken expectations all packed in separate compartments, travel sized memories of conflicts and confusion, and anger/pride all carefully rolled up so it wouldn't wrinkle. I've never been good at packing....
Grace. I'm learning about grace. Not cheap grace where things are justified through man. Real grace where there is no room for shame. The kind where the Lord seeks my heart not because it's righteous or perfect, but because it's the least likely place for Him to dwell. The whole thing on His grace being sufficient for me in my weaknesses is so difficult for my heart to embrace. Why would He want to use me? Has He not seen what is in my luggage? In the Bible, I read that the Lord sought out Paul, the least likely person to ever one day serve Him. He persecuted the Lord. I remember the way Nathan told/preached this story at age 3. In his little preschool voice, he explained that Paul was on his way to Damascus to persecute more of His followers and a bright light blinded him. Then a voice called out "Paul, Paul!" When Paul asked who it was, the Lord answered, "It's me, the Lord...the one that you don't like..." It is incredibly humbling to realize that yes, He has seen what I packed and despite it all, He still wants to take me on His journey. He still wants me.
I spoke with Pastor Joe, the one who would be pastoring this new church plant. I opened my baggage up to show him....Would he still want me and my baggage while serving? He did nothing except inspect it with grace. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. "...let us lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder ad perfecter of our faith...."-Heb. 12:1-2
I know this road won't be perfect. I will mess up again and hide in my shame again. But I will strive to not let it disfigure who I am in Him. I will strive to remember that He bore my shame on the cross and I have every right to live freely under His grace.
It's like when we pack for a real vacation, and I always ask Nathan: Did you remember to pack your underwear? (don't know why this is always forgotten!), the Lord has been asking me: Did you remember to pack My grace?
