I don't know where to begin. It seems like every day passes with a trillion things to do and by the time the evening comes, I'm a little bewildered about how I got there. I think in my mind, Halloween has just ended and it's almost Thanksgiving....and then I look around me and see the gifts hugging our twinkling tree, the roaring fire in the fireplace and I suddenly feel bittersweet that it's actually closer to Christmas than it is to Thanksgiving. And then the panic sets in.....you know...that long list of to-do's during the holidays. So I took a personal day off ...to catch my breath....to enter that sanctuary with the Lord again....I am convicted and sad over the fact that the doors to this sanctuary need some "oiling"....
I hadn't realized how much I had unraveled so to speak until I found myself in a deep conversation with the husband and noticed how frustrated I was. I had not been at my Lord's feet in awhile and I know I need Him like fish need water. It's disappointing that I let myself get so far on my own before realizing that I've been running on empty. So in practical terms, the usual things that would just frustrate me and I'd shrug off, have been unusually devastating to my nerves. Then they would get worse as I let it accelerate to anger. Am I alone in this? Does the Lord want anything to do with my panicky nerves and tantrums? Today I learned.... that yes...yes, He still loves me... and wants me regardless of how I manage to screw up as His child.
Why do I get so caught up in the holiday glitz? I've been probing at myself the last couple of days. Is it because I fear someone will be left out in getting a gift? Or, what will people think if I didn't have a gift for them? Or, what if it's not good enough? Ok...I mean, what if I'm seen as not good enough? There you go....core fears....
The story that comes to mind is Mary and Martha. Remember that story? It's the one where Mary is sitting at Jesus's feet while Martha is running around getting things ready for Him. Then she notices Mary sitting there and gets upset that she's not helping out. As you can tell, I'm Martha....so very Martha. I want to be Mary, of course....but in reality, I know I will never be Mary because she's probably Type B whereas Martha is probably Type A. I'm definitely Type A. But I strive to be Mary because I imagine her to be the calm one, the relaxed, under control woman. But instead, I'm Martha....the worried, upset, distracted one, and maybe even a little envious of Mary. Knowing this about myself makes me even more upset. It's like a crazy cycle..... Oh how I need His mercies....every day!
And when it comes down to it, I bet Martha was afraid of what her Lord would think if He showed up and there wasn't a home cooked meal prepared....or what if the linens weren't washed for His stay? Or worse, what if she couldn't find matching plates and silverware....well, you get the idea. I get you, Martha... we let others' perceptions of us define how we perceive ourselves. And we try not to let it get to us as a coping mechanism, but at the end of the day, the Enemy succeeds at planting our worst thoughts into our minds. Oh if Martha were here today, we'd be venting over a glass of wine....
So as I slowed down today ...long enough to read some devos online and chat with my Lord over my burnt toast and coffee and I was reminded of how He is constantly there for me. Now I don't usually like the Word in Message form but when I read this, it spoke to my soul:
“Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.” (Romans 12:6 MSG)
My mouth dropped open when I read that. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Good thing I read this version of it though because here's the NIV version:
"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith....... Rom. 12:6-8
See? Not quite the same. So I sat His feet today and told Him just that.....this is "me".... and I know He loves me for who I am because He chose to make me this way. So guess what, world? Love it or leave it!
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