Dear Daddy....

Dear Daddy,

         Let's see if I can get through these thoughts to you without tears...... OK, wishful thinking but if I don't somehow jot my thoughts somewhere, I won't feel like I can completely "download" my thoughts with life whirling around me these days. 

       Remember when I was a little girl and I begged to ride on the merry-go-round? You would strap me on my favorite colored horse and stand by me, holding me despite the leather reins around me. Then the carousel would start going around and around and I would fling my head back to feel the whirling wind toss my hair around. I never felt anxious or slipped from my seat despite the way the carousel twirled us around. This week felt like one long scary ride on a crazy carousel of emotions and self-doubt. Why is it so easy to hear the negative voices but never the the positive ones? I can't even count on my fingers how many times I called out to you ....And every time I sighed your name, your voice directed me to the Lord's feet. 

        Somehow when life throws negative things at me, I've been finding it hard to focus on the positives in my life. Perhaps the Lord is testing me in this area. Do I rely on Him for "everything"? This week was such a complex week. So many incidents led to such complicated thoughts and unfortunately, it began to distort my own vision of myself. Self doubt and inadequacy crept in without warning. And I'm writing to you dad, because you always knew the right things to say, and had the most comforting hugs that would erase all of these "things" and remind me of how loved I am....just as I am....all of me. Gosh, I miss you. It's moments like this that still bring tears and searing pangs of heartache and loneliness. 

        So it's hard, daddy, when I'm in these kinds of "ruts" and you're not in your office, at your desk, dropping your pencil in your Bible, ready to listen to me. But this is the Lord's will for us. What is His lesson for me here? To seek Him for that reassurance of who I am as His daughter. My identity is in Him, not the world's. You taught me that. He is able to provide the softening of hearts and the healing of wounded feelings. We learned that lesson together long ago. I'll keep my chin up in hopes that He will heal my soul from the inside out. I am comforted in knowing that even before I utter a word, He knows it already....I love knowing that no matter how deep the negativity takes me, He is there to catch and guide me. "Even if I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, You are there..."-Ps. 139

         It's been so long since I rode the carousel with you. I have to believe that despite your physical absence, His reins will hold me and keep me secure. Thank you for reminding me where to fix my gaze upon....to focus on His thoughts of me. And thank you for listening, daddy. No tea or goodies to share like we used to....but I am comforted in knowing you are in my heart dwelling with my Heavenly Father. I love you, daddy.... 

Always,

Jenny